Just finished watching the movie. It gave me so much courage and this is what came to my mind- It is sad to see your loved one die but to see you love slowly dying while being with the one you love, can be more painful. My first love, Maama died and I did not even want to leave the cemetery. It is painful every time I think of her and I always pray that she enters the gates of paradise. However, to know that you love a person and not feel loved and a sense of belonging is an emotional torture. Living like a zombie ignoring your feelings and keeping it in a closet where no one can see for the fear of getting more hurt and feel rejected makes me hopeless, helpless and less confident. Over and over letting the pain reside at the back of my mind to ignore being hurt had made me sort of care less about everything around me. I have gone quite strong because of it but I fear I may not feel excitememnt or sense of humour as my friends have been telling me at the lunch today. They said they want the old me back.Tonight I feel another twist is going to take place. the only candle that lights my darkness is leaving on fourth ... I am going to read her card for me, over and over again," To my Leenmom, I will miss you but don't worry I will come back soon". I wish and pray that her words are gonna be true. She is the only love in my life. I may not be her mother but I love her like my own. She is the daughter I never got the chance to have. He has deprived me of being a mother for two years. stolen the motherhood but I pray and hope that as the clock keeps ticking and I keep growing old and taking medicines to balance my growth hormone every morning that I do not lose hope. I wish that I could leave my mark behind.
