Fault with the Stars

Just finished watching the movie. It gave me so much courage and this is what came to my mind- It is sad to see your loved one die but to see you love slowly dying while being with the one you love, can be more painful. My first love, Maama died and I did not even want to leave the cemetery. It is painful every time I think of her and I always pray that she enters the gates of paradise. However, to know that you love a person and not feel loved and a sense of belonging is an emotional torture. Living like a zombie ignoring your feelings and keeping it in a closet where no one can see  for the fear of getting more hurt and feel rejected makes me hopeless, helpless and less confident. Over and over letting the pain reside at the back of my mind to ignore being hurt had made me sort of care less about everything around me. I have gone quite strong because of it but I fear I may not feel excitememnt or sense of humour as my friends have been telling me at the lunch today. They said they want the old me back.Tonight I feel another twist is going to take place. the only candle that lights my darkness is leaving on fourth ... I am going to read her  card for me, over and over again," To my Leenmom, I will miss you but don't worry I will come back soon". I wish and pray that her words are gonna be true. She is the only love in my life. I may not be her mother but I love her like my own. She is the daughter I never got the chance to have. He has deprived me of being a mother for two years. stolen the motherhood but I pray and hope that as the clock keeps ticking and I keep growing old and taking medicines to balance my growth hormone every morning that I do not lose hope. I wish that  I could leave my mark behind. 

My Dua

Bismillah
With tears running down my cheeks I pray to you God! Please bless me with a child. Fill my life with happiness and joy of looking after my off-springs. Give me the privilege and the pleasure of holding tiny hands and teaching them how to walk.. how to talk ... follow our religion and love you dear God! Almighty Allah. I can be any man's servant ..i can sacrifice all my needs just bless me with tiny bundles of joy.

Ameen

This was posted by me about five years back. I still feel the same. Being married for two years and being deprived of being a mother is very cruel. I have stopped asking Allah but I know I should not stop. Every time I see pregnant ladies, children all around me and my cousins I feel like touching my tummy n feeling a bulge. I must have done something very wrong to deserve this life. Raising a child as if she is my daughter gives happiness but I wish i get to give  care and love the same way to a child of my blood. Feeling drained and helpless... feeling like crying ..close my eyes n shut the world .. Donno to whom I should express my feelings.

Rafeef Ziadah - 'We teach life, sir', London, 12.11.11

Rafeef Ziadah - 'Shades of anger', London, 12.11.11

Emptiness

Just another night of feeling emptiness. Life seems frozen yet each passing day makes me grow older. I feel that life 10 years ago was still almost the same. When friend's pictures with family are posted in Facebook I see that they are moving on with life in great speed. I am helpless. I feel extremely deprived. I have never felt this much emptiness ever before. Staying in Malaysia has taught me more about my family and self. I realize that I have to strive to achieve things in life without support from family or anyone. When we leave the world we leave it alone and the deeds are tested of only ours alone. Not my parents or anyone. Just me alone. So it is all between me and God. Oh Almighty Allah may I have the courage to be content with what you bestow upon me. Ameen ;(

Rolling in the Deep

Your Voice

You can make my day with that deep voice
There is nothing I want to hear early in the mornings
Not the chirping of the birds and the singing
But it is your voice that whispers in my ears which brings a smile
What? What ? What are you saying? All I am doing is listening to it
Just the voice, not what you are saying,. It's like music
I don't need a guitar, a piano, a saxophone or any instrument
I can drown in the depth of that voice alone, just keep talking to me
~By Leen to the one who spoke to me last night ..m eager to hear your voice again